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Please note this story has been edited for length and clarity; however, the pertinent details have not been altered other than to remove identifying information.

“I did not earnestly begin the search for my [birth] mother until both of my parents, my REAL parents, the ones who adopted and raised me, passed away. Neither parent had expressed that they didn’t want me to search for [birth] parents, but I feared they might feel diminished if I searched, and particularly if I found them and established contact.

Initially I wanted to search for health purposes. Since I was a young child, every time I went to a doctor appointment I was asked about my family history, and had to explain I was adopted and that I had no family health information. I imagined my adult children feeling the same missing pieces, and my grandchildren as well. I was diagnosed in 2012 with a rare blood disease (ITP) and it made me more determined to find potential genetic health issues. I wanted to find answers for medical questions for myself, my adult children, and my grandchildren.

In spite of my health issues, being still concerned about disappointing my parents, it took years before I did anything. In 2017 I requested and obtained a copy of my original birth certificate from the sate which did not have any of my [birth] father’s information, but did have my [birth] mother’s information. [The birth mother’s surname] was actually the name that my mother had told me at a young age when I asked her about my [birth] mother. At that point, I took the 23&Me and Ancestry DNA tests. I was confused and disappointed when reviewing DNA matches, as there were no DNA matches [with the birth mother’s surname from the OBC]. I saw many matches which turned out to be [paternal birth relatives] and several close matches [with a surname somewhat similar to the one provided for the birth mother on the OBC]. I called Catholic Charities and was told that it was common at the time for a [birth] mother to either provide false information or for the Sisters to alter the information to disguise the identity of the [birth] mother.

I searched the internet [for the birth mother, using the surname found in the DNA results] and found her. I determined through social media [significant information about her living situation]. I sent a lengthy letter with pictures and waited, hoping to hear from her. About six weeks later the letter was returned, unopened, stamped “No Such Addressee”. I conducted further research and found that she had [previously] sold the house. I could not find her current information.

[Attempts were made through other resources to locate and contact the birth mother, but] I became impatient about the amount of time it was taking to locate her.

I petitioned [the courts] to appoint a Confidential Intermediary and they started requesting sealed adoption records. Knowing the age of my [birth] mother, I had continued concerns about the time it was taking to make contact through the CI. I impatiently sent several emails to the CI regularly, and she politely explained the process and timing several times, in spite of my continual questioning.

My court assigned CI contacted me. She made contact with my [birth] mother and wanted to discuss the call with me. My [birth] mother had reached out to her, responding to the letter she had sent, and informed her that she did not want to establish any contact with me.

To say that I was devastated is an understatement. The second rejection. Adoptees refer to the [birth] parents’ refusal of contact as the second rejection, and I can relate that it is an extremely painful experience. The second rejection just confirms the reality of the first rejection. Unwanted.

I’ve had wonderful dreams of reuniting with my [birth] mother. Thanking her for bringing me into this world. Telling her about my life, how I’ve been a hard worker, good father, grandfather, and husband. She would be impressed with my success and hug me and hug me again. I had looked at transportation options to travel to meet her when she was found. I fully planned the reunion. I knew my [birth] mother wouldn’t reject me a second time and although I read about [birth] mothers rejecting contact a small percentage of time, I didn’t think it would be me.

Those dreams were shattered. My [birth] mother told the CI that she was glad I had a happy life. She said she had cancer and was not well. She said that my birth was a terrible experience in her life and she did not want to re-live it. She asked that I not contact any other relatives as they have no knowledge of my existence and it would cause problems if I contacted them.

I also had identified other [birth] family members that I had dreamed of meeting. Half-sisters and half-brothers I hoped to meet. Their children I yearned to meet and give a hug. I was their unknown [birth] uncle who wanted to meet them.

I plan on respecting my [birth] mother’s wishes and will not contact her again or her family until after she passes. I am grateful my paternal [birth] relatives have accepted me, and I continue contact with them. I continue to find my identity.

My biggest regret is that I waited so long to start my search. Had I started earlier, I certainly would have been able to contact my [birth] father before his passing and his family feel that he would have welcomed meeting me if he knew I existed. I also think that my [birth] mother might have been more receptive to meeting me if she was younger, although I have no definitive reason for thinking this.

Although the search for my [birth] mother has concluded with a rejection, I am glad that I worked with the Confidential Intermediary and that we was able to successfully make contact with my [birth] mother. It would have been much more painful for the two of us if it was me making direct contact, being rejected directly.”